Relationships

Equal Rights

So my fiancée Nikki is in a Philosophy class right now online. The topic of last week’s discussion forum was to “Identify a specific belief you have that you think is worth defending, and explain how you might go about defending it.” Nikki chose equal rights/gay marriage. Below is her initial post and a response from a fellow classmate along with Nikki’s reply back to her classmate. Took out late names for obvious reasons. Thought I’d share this with you all though.
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Nikki XXXXXXXX – 1/20/2011 8:28:09 PM

Their are many things and subjects that can be justified such as beliefs, actions, emotions, claims, laws. These subjects we deal with on a daily basics in our daily lives.

One belief I have is same sex marriage. A lot of people are against it. But I’m for it. I feel everyone should have the same rights regardless of their sexuality. Homosexual couples just want the ability to have their partners share their medical coverage or be beneficiaries on life
insurance policies. It’s never been about changing the definition of marriage. It’s not even about marriage. It’s about being able to share the same rights as a heterosexual couple.

Brenda XXXXXX – 1/23/2011 5:12:50 PM
Hello Nikki,
I read your respond and I can relate to what you are saying about your belief, and I had to respond to you, I have a daughter and her name is Nilkki also, and she thinks she is gay or homosexuals what ever you call it. Nikki I all most lost my mind simply because of my belief, sex, marriages of the same sex is a abomination according to God’s word, Nikki if it was ok in the eye sight of the Lord why do these people have to fight for their rights, and of course it was gay people in the bible, read in Genesis 19:23, and to show you God hate any kind of same sex he burn the city of Sodom and Gomorrah down himself he did not have his angle to do it he did it, and abomination look it up in the dictionary means flit. Do you see same sex of any kind of animals, God’s word to Noah go and get the animals male and female, my belief is God going to save his people that have lost their identity, even my daughter, I can be dead and gone she will get her mind back, and she got to want to do it, that’s why she is lost now, because she do not want to listen and learn or obey. Those people do not have any right, as begin the same sex lovers. We all belong to the Lord Jesus Christ.and what about the children of this world those people again, are telling the children it ok to be homosexuals, I have seen so many young pretty girls at schools and other places as lovers and it just bring tears to my eyes,let these children grow to become what they want to, and children is killing them self because of this homosexuals act.

Nikki XXXXXXXX – 1/23/2011 8:14:53 PM

It doesn’t surprise me that you took this and turned it into a religious argument. That’s the #1 thing opponents to equal rights do right off the bat. The thing is it’s not even about marriage. It’s about being able to let the homosexual community have the same LEGAL rights that heterosexuals have. I’m straight and getting married in May. I have friends in other states that are not able to share their health insurance with their partner just because that person is the same sex. That’s wrong and unfair. Again it has NOTHING to do with marriage. The people in the homosexual community have all along said it’s simply an equal rights issue. Why is it ok to not allow them the same right? Would people argue and picket and fight if we still were treating African Americans like we did before they won their equal rights? They were judged and discriminated against simply based on the color of their skin. These people are being unfairly judged and discriminated against simply because they like the same sex. And just so you know Sodom and Gomorrah was not destroyed purely for homosexuality. There were plenty of other sins going on.

Why should we force our children to be something they don’t want to be. I didn’t CHOOSE to be a straight female. I was born that way. Those that argue that homosexuality is a “choice” have no clue what they are talking about. Did you, Brenda, CHOOSE to be heterosexual? No you just knew you liked men and not women sexually. The same way my friends that are gay didn’t CHOOSE to be homosexual. They just knew, most from a young age, that they were not into girls or boys. My fiance works with a guy who was born a woman. He lives his life as a man, dresses like one, etc. He’s known since he was around 5 that he was not a girl. He hated the girly clothes his mom would buy him, etc. His parents loved him unconditionally and let him live his life the way he knew and felt in his heart that he should, as a man.

These kids killing themselves are not doing it solely based on the fact they were homosexual. Some weren’t gay at all, but of course the media doesn’t sensationalize those stories. They don’t make as much noise in the press as the gay kid that hung himself does. These kids are killing themselves due to bullying. I was bullied as a kid for being overweight. So was my fiance. The problem lies with the parents to be honest. Kids today are so pacified and told that “everyone is a winner” and other nonsense like that. Everyone gets trophies even if they didn’t win. Doing that to our kids just makes them grow up thinking that everyone wins and that sometimes you’re gonna lose and that you need to learn to deal with defeat and losing. These kids don’t know how to deal with the bullying like we got when we were kids. I am stronger today for learning to deal with the teasing, etc. that I got as a kid. It’s made me a better woman today. So if you’re daughter feels she is gay why treat her any differently? She’s your daughter. You should love her unconditionally, regardless of her sexual preference. If, God willing, my fiance and I have kids someday we’ve already talked about how we’re going to handle it if any of them are gay. We are simply going to tell them that we love them no matter what, and let them know the battles they will have to face in their life. But one thing we won’t do is try and force a belief or lifestyle on them that they don’t want. All that will do is make them hate you as a parent more and act out.

Why Do Women Cheat?

cheating_womanSo the girlfriend and I were talking last night about different things for me to write about. I kept coming up with nothing. She then mentioned about me writing about why women cheat. Well I’ve never really been cheated on….ok maybe, but we won’t get into that. So anyways I tell her this and so she says well let me write it from a woman’s perspective. That works for me. She did borrow some stuff from an AskMen.com article on this subject, but did put her own wording into most of it. Just wanted to make sure to give credit where credit is due. And yes I already plan on doing a “Why Do Men Cheat” post myself here soon so keep an eye out. As always these are not in any particular order. Enjoy.

Not enough Sex
Women want to feel wanted.  If she doesn’t feel that she could seek it out from someone else. Some ideas to keep the spark alive is to take her out on dates, send her a provocative e-mail at lunch time or when your setting in the other room on the computer doing work or other things. Most importantly don’t let the little things interfere with the kissing, cuddling, and sex.

Self-esteem
For some women cheating is a self-esteem booster that makes a woman feel sexier, more beautiful, more loved. Just because she has self-esteem issues she necessarily isn’t going to cheat on you, but if she does it’s certainly not your fault. There ways to make her feel better about her self and feel more secure in the relationship. That in turn could prevent a possible affair. Pay attention to her, ask questions, don’t hold back compliments. A little flattery goes a long way with women.

Bad Girl
Some women have and inner sex kitten needing unleashed. This usually happens when there is major weight loss, new job, new friends, or even a mid-life crisis. Some things that could help are  keeping the communication lines open. By doing so shes more likely to talk to you then spilling her guts to some stranger in the night.

Revenge
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned as they say. You cheated. You broke her trust and her heart. She feels wounded and betrayed. Now she wants to hurt you like you hurt her and what better way than to cheats on you like you did on her. To regain her trust you have to let your actions speak louder then your words because you can’t undo the wrong, but you can ask forgiveness. Let her know it will never happen again an maybe suggest couples therapy. If you go to church maybe ask for help from your minister/paster/etc. to get through the tough times.

Bedroom
First the bedroom part. The same position, same place, even the same person tends to become boring over time.  If she’s bored she’s more likely to cheat because to her the affair is like an adventure and that gets her adrenaline flowing. The unexpected adds excitement in the bedroom and in the relationship.

Your Emotional Withdrawal
Women are emotional beings. They need physical and emotional support. Once you retreat from the relationship she sees it as a sign that things are through and a break up is inevitable. Cheating is a way for her to move on because she assumes you’ve already moved on as well.  Try to stay very connected with her and show your feelings. Who cares if you’re the big bad biker dude. Suck it up fighting-couple1and do it without any questions asked.

Exit Strategy
She’s done with the relationship. She’s checked out mentally and instead of breaking up with you herself she cheats. That way she doesnt have to deal with the situation and is content with letting you blame her because she doesn’t want to hurt you. An affair is an easy way out or at least that’s how some women sees it. Another reason is lack of communication. Communication is a big key in a relationship so let her know that she can talk to you anytime she needs to about anything. Let her know that you love her enough to work through the bumps in the relationship road.

Lack of Intimacy
Most women want intimacy. Its not just sex that makes a women feel connected in the relationship. It’s the kissing, cuddling, and the other little things. If she doesn’t get that at home she may go seek it from someone else.  Spend quality time together, rub her feet, make a romantic dinner for two, anything that will give her a sense of unity and closeness.

Feeling Neglected / Ignored / Underappreciated
When she feels more like your maid than your wife or girlfriend thats when she can stray to. If  you spend more time at work, or on the computer playing games, or with your friends then that gives her a reason to seek attention elsewhere. Dont be afraid to thank her for the selfless deeds she does and do your share around the house and with the kids if you have them. Make more time for her and clean together to try and make it fun.

So looking at these reasons why women cheat you’ll see they cheat because usually their hearts and egos get broken and need healing and not just cause of their libido. Some of the key components to a successful relationship are communication, intimacy, love, and physical and emotional feelings for each other.

Of course some women just cheat because they just dont care about u that much or just are cold-hearted and could care less about hurting you or anyone else.

Five Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship

So if you’ve been keeping up with my blog you know that I’ve had a pretty horrific track record with relationships. So how can I even begin to offer advice on a healthy, successful relationship? Well just because I’ve had many failed ones in the past doesn’t mean I’ve learned from each one. I’ve had some time to sit and think about everything that went wrong and decided that I should share what TO do instead of what NOT to do in order to have that great relationship with someone. Now I’m writing this from my perspective as a man dating a woman, but most of these can easily be from a woman’s perspective.

Note: These are not in any particular order.

1. Take Your Time – Don’t rush into saying I love you or rush into “laying on thick” as they say. You’ll scare her off. Women for the most part are timid creatures. You rush in there like a lion rushing in to kill that gazelle, she’s gonna bolt.

2. Be Chivalrous – Regardless of what some people may say chivalry is NOT dead my friends. Open that car door. Pull her chair out at dinner. Walk on the outside of the sidewalk and let her walk on the inside. These are all things I was raised to do and still do to this day. Sure I may not open EVERY single door, but I try my best do to so. Plus my girlfriend gets out of the car faster than I can get over to open her door. But the point is I’m making the effort. A lot of women will say they are independent and don’t “need a man” to do stuff like that, but deep down almost every woman will appreciate it if you do.

3. Listen – Guys take my word on this one. Listen to her. You’re probably sitting there saying “I do listen to her what are you talking about?” As an old friend once asked me “Are you really listening or are you just hearing what she’s saying?” I’ve done A LOT of hearing in my days. It wasn’t until I started to actually listen to what she was saying that I got my old friend told me. Sure you can hear old-handsholdingbeachher tell you about her crappy day at work, or how her best friend was a witch” and that’s fine. But what about when she’s telling you how she feels about you or about a certain thing you doing or not doing? Do you hear her or are you listening to her? I’ll be the first to admit guys tend to tune women out a lot of the time. We sometimes get tired of hearing the drama, etc. so we turn off the listening part and just keep the hearing part turned on. The problem with that is sometimes we don’t always turn listening part back on and that’s the problem. When you don’t listen to her you’re gonna miss out on sometime very important. I’ve finally learned as I get older to never turn off the listening part. Leave it on all the time. You’ll benefit from it in the long run.

4. Remind Her How Much You Care – S you’ve gotten past the “I Love You” part of the relationship. I for one love that part because no longer are you stuck saying “Ok well bye” when hanging up the phone. But do you make it a point to tell her just how much you love her enough? I was once told to always tell someone that you love that you love them before leaving the house and before going to sleep at night because you never know what might happen. You might get into a car accident on the way to work or to the grocery store and die. You may not wake up or they may not wake up. How many times have you heard the person who just lost a parent or a wife, etc. say “I wish I could have had just one last chance to tell them I loved them.”

5. Do The Little Things – So what do I mean by the little things? The little things are things like doing the dishes in the sink or unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher and loading it back up with dirty ones. Or taking that load of clean towels and folding them and putting them away. These things may seem “little” to you, but to her you’ve allowed her to relax and rest and not have to do those “little things” herself. There’s nothing wrong with doing the “little” things every once in a while.

Again I wrote these from a guy’s perspective but for the most part they can all be reversed to come from a woman’s perspective. I hope you get some use out of these and as always feel free to leave any of your own tips/advice in the comments section.

What About Love?

love2So you’ve found that special someone. They make you smile and laugh. When they are gone you can’t stop thinking about them and longing for when you get to see them again. All of these things usually are the sign of love. Or infatuation. So how can you tell if what you’re feeling is true love or just an infatuation? Sometimes the line between the two is a bit grey and hard to see. My method is always to go with your gut instinct. Go with what your heart tells you.

Personally to me love is a lot different than an infatuation. Love is painful. In a good way of course. When the person you love is gone your heart aches for them to return. Or when you wake up in the morning next to that person you just want to hug them and lay there with them forever. That’s love. I’ve had both. Love and infatuation. With infatuation I never felt like that. I hated when the person left, but I wasn’t sitting there all day dying for them to return. With love you want to spend as much time as you can with that person. You want to do everything you can to make sure they know you love them. Now of course this only works if the love is mutual.

That’s why saying those three magic words, I Love You, can be a scary thing to do. What if the other person doesn’t say it back or what if you’re waiting for them to say it first and they never do because they’re waiting for you to say it first? That last one isn’t TOO bad, but sometimes it is an issue because one of you may think the other doesn’t love you because they aren’t saying it when they’re just as scared to say it first. This can sometimes lead to one person leaving the relationship because they think the other person doesn’t love them. This usually isn’t an issue. At least not in my own personal experience or in what I’ve seen in others. 

With infatuation you never really love the person, you just love what they offer. You love the kissing or the hugging or the sex. Or the fact that they buy you stuff or pay for things like your bills, etc, but that’s it. You don’t love that person’s heart and soul. You’re infatuated with them physically (most times) and have no want to pursue anything long term. Some people may even say you are a user or a player. I can see why some would say that especially if it’s for the sex.

When you truly love someone you love them unconditionally. You love their mind, their soul, their heart, their emotions, etc. Of course you’re gonna also love their body and that’s gonna be part of what you love just not the ONLY thing as with infatuation.

So why am I writing this. What’s my point? Didn’t really have one. Just wanted to get some thoughts down and figured I’d share what’s in my head with you all so I hope you enjoyed it.

Confessions of the Safe Guy: Part 3

loveIn Part 1 and Part 2 you got to find out about my past failed relationships and get my back story. In Part 3 I’m going to try and semi-analyze my past relationships and what went wrong, what could have been done differently, what was the constant. My hopes are that this will somehow help someone out there that may have or is going through similar situations that I’ve gone through in the past.

Let’s start with Terri. Wow. That was a train on a collision course with the side of a big mountain from the get go. To start she lived in Montana. I lived in Illinois. Why the hell was I looking for a girlfriend so far away. Well I wasn’t LOOKING for one that far away it just happened. My second mistake was letting her stay with me for so long. Being around her so much so fast was a mistake. We got on each others nerves fast and grew to despise each other. I loathed anytime I could get away from her towards the end.

Next there was Mary. Mary and I messed up the minute we crossed the friendship territory into relationship girlfriend/boyfriend territory. Now I’m not saying you can’t ever date your best friend. On the contrary. I say that your girlfriend, france, wife, etc. should be your best friend in your life. But the thing is when you cross over from friends to girlfriend/boyfriend you risk losing that friend if the relationship doesn’t work out. Tha’ts what happened with Mary and me. After we split we stopped speaking to each other.

After Mary I decided to date Jessie. What was wrong there? Well she was the an ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Biggest mistake you can ever make is dating the best friend of an ex. There’s just no logical reasoning to confirm doing this. Of course I didn’t see that. Why would I? I’d been on a roll of bad relationships so far so making a sound decision was a moot point for me by this time. See one thing I failed to mention is that when Jessie called me to tell me she was sorry about the split between Mary and me she said the words “whatever you need Harold just ask me” and that was a mistake. That turned into sex and then dating. Hey come on now. She said “anything” and I clarified that sex fell into the anything category so don’t be giving me the stink eye sitting there reading this. I was following the rules….I think. So yeah Jessie and I were doomed from the get go. Sex THEN dating. Doesn’t usually work out when its that way. Plus she had a kid with a total psycho (just never to me) that couldn’t seem to let her go. I should have run away but I was stupid and hell I won’t lie the sex was good. I didn’t want to give it up that easily. Ultimately it was what I knew would happen all along that ended things. Her going back to her ex. But I was just stupid and hoped it wouldn’t happen.

I moved to Iowa and took time off from “dating” anyone seriously. I had girls that I hung out with and other “stuff” but nothing serious that I’d call a girlfriend. That was fun for a while but I started to miss having someone steady around. I don’t remember how Mary and I got in touch after I moved to Iowa but we did and as you know started dating again. It too was doomed from the get go. I still held a buried resentment for her leaving me for another guy, but as usual I was stupid and ignored my gut feelings. I mean I asked her to marry me. DUH! And as my gut had told me things went back to the way they were towards the end of our first relationship with her constantly complaining and blaming everything on me. That’s why I ended it.

After Mary 2.0 I took yet another break and then I met Cathy. She was great. Sweet. Caring. Nice. I thought this was it. I found someone who is perfect for me. Yeah she had a kid but her daughter liked me. We all got along. Well except for her neurotic and mentally disturbed cat HAHA! But the whole psycho ex thing popped it’s head up and this time it was directed towards me. Now I think I can proudly say I wasn’t stupid this time and I knew when to get out. I wasn’t going to risk injury to myself with this guy. Wasn’t worth the possible risk.

So that moves us my most recent relationship that failed. Angie. Wow. Where do I begin. Well as with Jessie we started off with the sex and THEN dating. But unlike Jessie she wasn’t the best friend of an ex so my brain said it was ok and not to worry. I’ll be honest, and she knows this herself, I never intended to have more with her than a sexual relationship when I came over to meet her the very first time. Don’t ask me how but it just felt comfortable and I stayed the night and then the next night and so on. I just felt close to her. I’d never done this with any of the other girls I’d “hung out” with in the past that I wasn’t dating. It was a new thing for me, but it felt right. This was my mistake and trust me I’ve learned from it. I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done in my life though and this relationship I don’t regret. We shouldn’t have gotten married though that’s for sure. And I should have ended the marriage back in February 2008 when I was sitting in the car in the driveway with a bag packed, but like I fool I let her crying and pleading to stay draw me back in. I know her “true” reason now for wanting me to stay at that time. She’ll never admit it, but I’m not a fool and I know why.love4

So after realizing what all I’ve done wrong in everyone of my failed relationships I have to ask the question “What is the constant in every failed relationship?” Well to answer that I refer to something a fellow blogger told me. He told me that I was the constant. In every single failed relationship the one common denominator is ME. Now what does that mean? It means I was causing these relationships to fail. That’s not saying I was doing anything wrong, at least not on purpose. What it means is I kept getting too close too fast or giving too much of myself too much and too fast. WHen that happens you open yourself up for a broken heart or getting used and/or trampled on. That’s happened to me every time. I’ve gotten my heart broken more than once. I’ve gotten used and trampled on almost every time as well. Now I won’t get all psychological on ya, but I think a another reason that I’ve had so many problems with relationships was due to my mother leaving when I was only 9 years old. Now she didn’t just up and disappear. Her and my dad got divorced and she decided the best thing was for me to stay with my dad as she had no idea where she’d be living, etc. He had a steady job, a place to live, etc. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing if I were in her shoes. She now regrets that decision though and thinks that her leaving had a lot to do with me always needing someone around that was a female. Granted I had a step-mom (who is a GREAT GREAT woman) around most of my life after my mom left, but sub-consciously I think I am always looking for that “motherly” aspect in women. Someone to take care of me and treat me good and love me unconditionally. Hopefully all of this makes sense. It does to me so I guess that’s what matters most right? It’s no different than when a girl has what they call “daddy complex” where she’s dating or sleeping with lots of different guys. She’s trying to fill a void her mind had created when her dad left her life.

So there you go. This ends the Confessions of the Safe Guy series. Hopefully it has helped you get a better look at my life on a personal level. I originally started this series in the hopes of writing it to help others but it just turned out differently. I still feel that it can help some guys and even girls possibly realize what NOT to do at least when it comes to a relationship. Let me just end by saying don’t give your all in a relationship and not get anything in return. It MUST be an equal partnership for it to work and you both need to know each other. Know each others dislikes, similarities, etc. It’s good and perfectly fine to have stuff in common, but also have things that you differ on. It’s actually not good, at least in my opinion, to have everything in common. Especially if you are both stubborn and hard headed. Just ask my ex-wife about that one.

Gay Marriage: Part 3

bartzSee the guy on the left? His name is Senator Merlin Bartz. He is on a statewide push for county recorders in Iowa to refuse to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Gay couples are allowed to start applying  for them Monday, April 27th.

Along with the Iowa Family Policy Center, Senator Bartz has a petition (see it here) posted on his website along with steps to take to encourage county recorders to resist the court’s ruling starting Monday. The thing is the Iowa Attorney General’s office has told county recorders that they do not have the ability to refuse marriage licenses to same-sex applicants. The Iowa Department of Public Health issued a statement this week that said that the recorders to not have the “discretion or power to ignore the Supreme Court ruling” and that if they did “failure to comply could lead a recorder to be removed from office immediately.”

Bartz was quoted in the Quad Cities Times Wednesday as calling the Attorney General’s statement a “veiled threat” and questioned why the AG is taking such a strong stand on this issue but has been relaxed on the enforcement of other state laws such as immigration, smoke-free workplaces, etc.

A complaint has been filed with the Senate Ethics Committee by Representative Ed Fallon this week in regards to Bartz’s and his mission to get county recorders to ignore the law.

So do all of us Iowans a favor and email, call, write, etc. Senator Bartz and tell him how you feel about what he is doing. Here is his contact info.

Senate District 6
2081 410th St.
Grafton, IA 50440
Phone: 641-748-2724
Email: merlin.bartz@legis.state.ia.us

And if you’re in Iowa please do not sign this petition. It’s no different than signing a petition that you are against blacks and whites getting married. Think about it.

Gay Marriage: Part 2

So I was doing some research last night on same-sex marriage and was trying to find out just how far behind we are in the United States compared to the rest of the world. You’ll find some maps below, from Wikipedia, showing gay marriage in the United States, Europe, and the whole world.  While we may not be far behind some countries look how far behind we are compared to Europe, one of our closest allies. And take a look at Canada on the World map. Same-sex marriage is now recognized in the ENTIRE country. Wow. Way to go you crazy Canucks. Least there’s one thing you all have done that I can applaud you for! I’m working on trying to get a guest post on here soon so keep an eye out for that.

United States

Source: Wikipedia
Source: Wikipedia

?? Same-sex marriages

?? Unions granting rights similar to marriage

?? Unions granting limited/enumerated rights

?? Foreign same-sex marriages recognized

?? No specific prohibition or recognition of same-sex marriages or unions

?? Statute bans same-sex marriage

?? Constitution bans same-sex marriage

?? Constitution bans same-sex marriage and other kinds of same-sex unions

Europe

Source: Wikipedia

Source: Wikipedia

?? Same sex marriage recognized

?? Civil unions recognized

?? Unregistered cohabitation recognized

?? Issue under political consideration

?? Unrecognized or unknown

?? Same sex marriage banned

World

Source: Wikipedia

Source: Wikipedia

?? No information

Homosexuality legal
?? Same-sex marriage recognized
?? Other type of partnership (or unregistered cohabitation) recognized
?? Foreign same-sex marriages recognized
?? No recognition of same-sex couples

Homosexuality illegal

?? Minimal penalty

?? Large penalty

?? Life in prison

?? Death penalty

Gay Marriage

So I’m going to try and jump on a topic that isn’t going to end up sitting well with some people in my life. That’s the topic of gay marriage. Recently the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples had a right to get married and upheld a county judge’s ruling in September 2007 that overturned the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. Starting this Monday, April 27, 2009 they can start applying for marriage licenses. The only thing left is for the Iowa Constitution to be re-written to say this, but it’s happening. And of all places it’s happening in Iowa, a middle-America, farming state. It’s kind of funny that it can get approved here in Iowa but not in a state like California. One of the most liberal states in the entire United States.

When I heard the news of this I immediately texted a gay couple that I am dear close friends with. They both were ecstatic. They are two of the nicest women you’ll ever meet and I love them to death. They were there for me when I was really low at the beginning of my divorce and have been a rod and a shoulder to lean on cakeall the way through it. They were the first ones I texted when the divorce was final. I’m so happy that they’ll finally get the chance to get married. Why shouldn’t they be able to? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to have the same rights I had when I was married to my ex-wife?

Now starts the part that is gonna get me some emails or comments, etc. that aren’t going to be pretty.

See I was raised a Baptist Christian. I believe in God, Heaven, Hell, that you must be saved and ask Jesus into your heart to go to Heaven, etc. I was also raised that gay people are sinners and will burn in hell unless they repent and change their ways. Well you know what? I’ve grown up. I’m almost 30 years old. I’ve seen the world and realized that not everything I was taught is necessarily true. See I was raised that being gay is a choice. I used to believe that 100%. Not anymore. I’m sorry but it’s not a choice. Did you CHOOSE to be straight? As a male did you CHOOSE to find women attractive? As a female did you CHOOSE to find men attractive? No. You were BORN that way. Plain and simple. Now if that’s easy to grasp and understand then why can’t a gay man or woman be BORN that way? Why must it be a CHOICE for them? It’s not a choice people. It’s something they have no control over. Now I do think SOME (small percentage) of gay men and women choose to be that way after multiple failed heterosexual relationships, but a big majority of those end up realizing it’s not them or what they like and go back to being straight. I’ve personally seen that happen more than once in my life with friend of mine both male and female. Seeing that firsthand just strengthened my belief that being homosexual is not a choice.

I’m proud to be an Iowan. I’m proud to be part of a state that isn’t close minded and that knows that everyone deserves the same rights. It’s no different than when blacks were denied the same rights as white people. So why is this issue so hard to get over and accept? Black and White. Gay and Straight. The point is whether your heterosexual or homosexual there is one simple common factor that binds us all together. We are all human beings and deserve the same rights. Period.

Confessions of the Safe Guy: Part 2

broken_heart-1823So at this point you’re probably saying to yourself “This guy SUCKS at relationships” and you are right. I did. I was always settling, something you shouldn’t do. I always thought I’d never get anything better so take what I got and thank God you have someone period.

After my second go round with Mary I was single for a while (the longest time in my life to be honest). I met the next girlfriend that we’ll call “Cathy” sometime in 2003. She was great. She was sweet, caring, pretty. I was happy. Like almost all the past girlfriends she had a kid. But this time I got to experience a first. The classic “psycho ex” scenario. She was legally separated when I met her and just was waiting for the divorce to be finalized. I had no problem with that. She wasn’t “married’ technically. Things were fine at first. Then suddenly her daughter started to turn on me and was very hateful to me out of nowhere. She’d always been sweet and loving to me up until this point. We found out her dad had told her one time when he had her for the weekend that I was an evil man and that I was going to kill mommy and grandpa and grandma and kidnap her and take her away forever. Yep. Great guy right? So she tells him that my car was parked in front of the neighbors house (I never parked in her driveway if he drove by, which is something he did a lot). So then I started to park in her garage and that was fine for a while until her little girl tells her dad that if mommy’s car was in the driveway that meant I was over. So after all of this I had to stop coming to visit Cathy. Her ex-husband told her if he ever saw me he was going to kill me, chop me up into little pieces, and drop the pieces in the river. Such a sweet guy right? He fit the psycho label perfectly.

Needless to say things started to get sour between Cathy and I over the stress of her ex and we split. I think it was a mutual split too because we both knew as much as we cared about each other it wasn’t going to work right then. Last I heard she living in Illinois, with another kid, married to, get this….her ex-husband’s cousin! Yeah I was thinking the same thing!

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Men’s Top Five Turn-Offs

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1. Wearing too much make up
I remember having a teacher in high school who would cake on make up like a mask. Her face was white with some sort of white plaster like material and every morning she must have awoke to the painstaking process of painting on her happy face for the day. It was impossible to see what her actual expression was because of the depth of her daily make-up ritual. Seriously, we’re all human and the odd blemish really isn’t that big a deal. Showing a bit of confidence with your imperfections is probably going to be more sexy than demonstrating your insecurities by hiding behind mountains of crèmes and cosmetics. Guys prefer light make-up or even no make-up. Too much make-up can spell a fussy, high maintenance girl. Particularly, if you’ve overdone the make-up for the occasion. Sure it’s nice to get dolled up at the right time, but keep it simple on the casual dates.

2. Making degrading generalizations
Men can’t stand it when you put them into a box and define their behaviour with some “all men are cheaters/liars/bastards etc” line. Lets face it, generalizations are a grossly and inconsiderate way of talking about someone. It strips them of their individual character and boxes them into this unrealistic stereotype. Most of us hate to be generalized. Many women would grow red with anger at being typecast as belonging in the kitchen with some babies at the apron strings. Men will take offense if you assign them to a stereotypical generalization. Steer clear of sweeping statements as it makes you look like an ignorant bigot.

3. Talking about your ex
Guys don’t want to here about your past heart throbs as much as you don’t want to her about all the past girls he’s banged. The more you gush about your past relationships the more it becomes clear that you are not completely over your past flames and would hook back up with your ex in a second. Equally, bitching about your past lovers is also a turn off. The best policy is to recognize that what happened in the past stays in the past. Sure ex’s are bound to come up in the conversation at some stage and you might find yourself discussing past relationships. The key is too not make it the topic of ever discussion. Even more of a turn off is to compare your current lover with an ex. An ex is history, keep it that way.

4. Armpit hair
So hair can be a touchy subject. Personally, I don’t dig it and according to the survey results a vast number of men rate it as a top turn off. I know its natural, yada yada yada… but so is farting yet I think most people would be repulsed by the idea of someone dropping some ass on a crowded bus. Armpit hair is one of those redundant throwbacks from the primitive days. There’s no great need for it so what the harm in removing it.

5. Extreme drunkenness
There’s tipsy, giggly, drunk, staggering, vomiting and then there is extreme drunkenness. Alcohol can make and break first impressions. A couple drinks are a good way of lubricating the conversation with someone you are just getting to know. Miscalculate the number of drinks and your sex appeal will be heading to all new lows. I’ve heard guys whine about how horrible a drunk girl can be. “A drunk guy is bad, but a drunk girl is ten times worse.” I think the stakes are evenly placed anyone who gets ridiculously drunk is highly unattractive. When you get to the point of vomiting, having your friends hoist you from bars/taxis/sidewalks/home and your make-up is smooshed across your face, it’s a fair bet that you won’t be picking up anything worthwhile. By all means have a raucous time and drink up but be aware of your limits.