I wrote this back on December 10, 2008. Before I knew the truth about my soon to be ex-wife, etc. I’ll admit I got pretty mad at God when everything that went down went down. I’ll admit I’ve fallen to the wayside ever since and haven’t returned to church since December. I tell myself I’m gonna go and then I don’t. I know that I will in due time. I just have to go when I know it’s right and not force it. I figured I’d repost this here though because it’s still the truth. Enjoy

So here I sit reflecting on the past few days. I’ve become closer to God and I’m praying almost everyday. I’m wondering why this couldn’t have happened sooner in my life before my world had started to fall apart. I guess God wanted me to get on my knees when I truly needed him and that time has come. I won’t go into details but those of you out there that need to know the details already know them. Just keep my family and me in your prayers daily.

I find myself still struggling with my words. I’ve has a foul mouth for years. I know when to control it but for the most part the words fly out of my mouth that are vulgar and wrong to use. I pray daily for God to help me with this problem and I feel he’s doing it. Allbeit slowly but it’s still happening. The first thing I noticed is that I was becoming aware when I said a cuss word. Something I don’t think I ever did. Before they’d just fly out and I’d think nothing of it. Now I catch myself in my head when one slips out. I have been asking God’s forgiveness when this happens. Again something I’ve never done before. I just have to have faith that he will continue to help me stop this.

I’m also continuing to ask him for help with my mouth in regards to not arguing. It’s hard to stop doing something that’s been a part of your personality pretty much your entire life. I just have to have faith he will help me.

I’m still going to counseling and I honestly feel it’s helping. I just wish the bills would disappear. It’s not cheap that’s for sure. Granted four sessions cost me $104 but still right now that’s $104 we don’t have extra of.

Our van died last Wednesday. Sounds like it’s the engine and hopefully it is as that’s covered by warranty. But it’s just not a good time financially wise for the us. I accidentally hit a friend of my wife’s truck Monday night and dented it. Gonna be paid for by insurance though. We found a body shop willing to do it for less than the amount that would have raised insurance. That was a miracle find too. I have to believe that I found that body shop with God’s help even if it was an unconscious thing. I prayed to him Monday night that he’d help us with this particular situation so in my eyes and heart I believe that was his work.

I still stop and think about what happened Sunday and it’s makes me quiver. I was telling my grandmother about what happened on Sunday while I drove home from work on Monday. While telling her I could feel my heart rate increase and my mouth started to shake while speaking. The same thing that happened while trying to speak to my friend at church that morning when I went forward. I just can’t deny what is going on anymore. I know it’s true and it feels well AMAZING! My mother said something to me when I told her about what happened this past Sunday that really made me go “Hmmmm. Ya know that’s probably true.” She had said that when people get saved at such a young age like I did that they haven’t been out in the real world and exposed to things that would make them fall or get away from God. That’s why most people that come back to Christ are usually older than they were when they got saved.

I was in college before I did that. Fall away from God that is. I was protected and sheltered at home with Dad and Melinda. I moved to Chicago for college and was exposed to things I never had been around. Cigarettes, pot, alcohol, other drugs. I’ve never openly discussed what I did when in college but I feel it’s time. I am far from perfect. None of us are. I fell far far away from the way I was raised and what I was taught.

I moved in with two smokers. I picked up the habit. They drank. So did I. I was far from being an alcoholic. I mean I only drank when we’d have a party but it wasn’t a daily thing for me. I then got into smoking pot. It allowed me to be relaxed and feel like I was part of a group of people that liked me. They did only because I smoked weed with them. Now one thing I always feel is that I’m not ashamed that I smoked pot. I’m not PROUD that I did though either so don’t think that. I also tried other drugs. I tried ecstasy, cocaine, opium, & hash. I never did anything with needles, etc. though. Those were only a one or two time thing. Nothing ever more. My thing was smoking weed. I stopped smoking weed over 5 years ago. It was after I left Illinois.

I quit smoking about 2 years ago I think it was. And I do still have a drink occasionally but nothing like when I was in college. My point in telling you all this is the fact that I wanted you all to know how far I fell. But I’m still here. And I’ve come back to Him again. I’m just so glad I’m here and I don’t plan on leaving ever again.

God bless you all. Again keep us in your prayers.